Squished into this phenomenal
Capsule of a flying vehicle,
Strangers and friends.
Forced together,
Watch out for the Corona virus!
Masks and gloves all around us.
Defiant
Flying often invokes a sense of timelessness,
Of free falling
Either into an unknown world of dreams
And hopes
Of holidays and time together
Of a new place
And new ideas
Or
Of going back into reality
Back into our mundane lives and routines.
All our distractions cover up,
Postpone the digging into issues
The contemplation
That timelessness offers.
Possibly until closer to our last breaths
So be it
Keep doing doing doing
In order to feel useful
To feel alive
To forget
And just be a part of the busy moving world
Our new digital world
Striving
Succeeding
Driving
Deciding
But the calm and space,
Of vacation,
Of time away,
Of beautiful white mountain tops
Meditative moments
Trudging through the depths
Of powder snow
Alone for miles
in the crisp winter air
And oh the deep, restful sleep.
Coming to the end of that
Invokes the questions:
“Where is home?”
“Why do I live where I do?”
“What keeps me there?”
“What would be different if I were elsewhere?
And of course,
“Who am I?”
“Is there a purpose to my life?”
Is there any answer to these age old, universal queries….?
Well certainly not a singular one
But alone and listless I do feel, at times
Even though anti-depressants do their thing,
It is within reason!
So the only way is to dig into these thoughts:
Possibly focus on doing what I do,
Mother, wife, and teacher
Better
Or
Create something new perhaps
A new dance
Or piece of writing.
Like this.
That seems to instantly wipe away my anguish
Just like a quick pick-me-up afternoon coffee
It leaves me with a sense of renewed energy
Of having achieved something.
It helps me feel like I am a part of the substrata
Of human existence,
That’s moving
Very fast
It makes me feel like I am contributing
Of course that’s all it is
An illusion, of being powerful,
Of being integrated,
Of succeeding
Yet I want the still moments,
The sitting
The perspective gained through travel
The moments of joyful togetherness
The sense of belonging.
It’s in a safe space that the anger has an outlet
In knowing that it’s a very personal thing,
A frustration
Where it is not warranted to turn the fire outwards
And so if by being held safely even in anger,
Once it metamorphoses into sadness
It can then be investigated
Sadness that I might be wasting away the years I have
That I might regret….
And that in turn reveals more clearly
What it is that I want to be involved in:
More being,
More sleeping,
Any mother of premature twins will prioritize sleep for the rest of their lives!
More reading.
Being focused enough not to read and re-read the page over and over is a relatively new blessing
And that too reveals what it is I want to expend my energy and time on
Family and true friends
Loving and love making,
Dancing and writing
Enjoying music and theatre
Cinema and
Togetherness
And the discovery of new worlds
Many are on my book shelf, right at my fingertips
In my own neighborhood,
and others are miles away
Beyond the stars and lifetimes away.
This all sounds ok for now,
Hopefully for the next few decades,
if that,
Of what’s left for me here.
Natasha Devalia 