Heavier, but Happier

Getting comfortable with changes in our body can be interesting and can take time. Since I started taking medication almost 2 years ago I have put on more weight than I ever have in the past, except for when I was pregnant.

I remember the period when I moved to Canada to attend university, I put on quite a bit of weight. I lost it with regular exercise and after I met Maher! Things looked just a little bit brighter with him in my life.

Then another time was when I was pregnant and in bed rest with the twins. I put on a whole 30kg and I only got to 7 months of the pregnancy! I wasn’t too nervous about it but I thought I’d never be able to lose all the weight. Having fed the two of them breast milk for 9 months got me most of the way back to my normal weight and size. The rest came off with some regular exercise, healthy eating, and two babies to care for!

But this time something is different. I can’t seem to loose the weight. It never used to be an issue because it always came off on its own without much effort other than the general time and energy I spent on movement and eating well. This time it will take a bit more.

I am over 35 now. There is that “aging phenomenon” to take into consideration as well! My body has changed. So has my resilience to the change.

My sudden weight increase left me feeling uneasy, not so much in the recent past as when it first changed, and when I moved back to Samui after the two months in Bangkok that summer. Everyone on the island around me seemed suddenly much thinner than I was used to!

It’s all relative I suppose.

At first I resisted taking medication, not only because I didn’t believe I needed it- I didn’t believe that I was paranoid, but also due to one of its side effects. Weight gain. But I realized soon enough that I chose my family, my husband and children and in this case I needed to take the medication, at first to save the family, and then later when I realized I was indeed paranoid, to keep myself in check. In balance.

My psychiatrist has mentioned to me that we will start reducing one of the meds in a few months. I look forward to that. Of course with the understanding that if there is a relapse, there is no shame in going back on the meds.

So here I am now, dancing again, back to my milder, gentle yoga practice, not yet teaching.

I did my first performance since being hospitalized just yesterday, with a friend. I resisted performing until now. Partly because I didn’t want to be the center of attention, I didn’t feel very confident with my dance skills, and partly because I was uncomfortable with my new body shape. I’d never performed with the “extra” weight on me.

It turned out beautifully. We were well surrounded and supported. Well received. We enjoyed the practices that led up to the performance as well as the moment itself. I had my days feeling uncomfortable inside of myself, but they were fleeting and not strong enough to overpower me.

I do have the secret wish to lose a few kilos when I reduce my medication, but mostly I am more and more comfortable with who I am regardless of the weight. The dancing is becoming enjoyable, a daily practice that I look forward to. Even better now that I am adding some structure to the sessions.

I feel that I am happy to be out there with my Facebook dance videos, definitely a little bit nervous with the exposure at times, but I am motivated to dance and share, perhaps inspire, as does @nivetha.shree.dancer a beautiful Indian tribal fusion dancer. A few of us are practicing everyday or as often as possible and tagging her in our Instagram posts with #practicewithnivetha. Join us!

So here I am, back at it, heavier, but happier and not concerned about what reaction I get anymore. In fact I never used to dance with my belly showing until the last few months. I used to be shy and insecure about that. So maybe the added weight was needed to allow some grounding, some feminine power to shine through me. Not to say that I am complacent and letting go. I continue to try hard to maintain the weight if I haven’t been able to lose any yet.

It’s not about the perfect weight anymore, it’s more about enjoying the practices, the connections, and the moments.

Thanks for reading!